Yesterday was a fabulous day! My weight was down, of course. My workout with Vicky was really great. She challenged me with some increased weights, and noticed that my squat form was much improved. I have been working on that more than anything, probably. She is very encouraging, but also doesn’t really allow for excuses. If I say something is hard, or I couldn’t/didn’t do such and such this week, she always has another suggestion about how it could be done differently, or how its really not that much time. For me, this was a really great investment. To add to this, my food has been spot-on for several days. VERY encouraging.
But I wanted to write about some of the dark thoughts I’ve had in just the last week. When I came back from that trip and had eaten too much of the wrong thing, I had the ‘Awakenings’ thought again–that everything I was going to go back to the way it was before–morbidly obese and sedentary. I was thinking, what’s the use, working out so hard. Its embarrassing to fail week after week. But then I thought about that movie, and how the Robin Williams doctor character kept working frantically to find a cure for the people. So I translated that to me and Vicky working furiously to try to find a ‘cure’ for what ails me. (BTW, if you haven’t watched this movie, you must. Its really a great movie.)
Then, just Monday night, on my way out to the car after work, I had a thought that was more than a thought–it was like a deep feeling, if you know what I mean. And it was, ‘who do you think you are? you are a 54 year OLD woman. its ridiculous for you to be trying to work out and build muscles. you will never look like those young firm girls. you look like a fool.’ Lots of times I refer to myself as older, and talk about being older, but when I do that, its usually just an intellectual reminder to myself, because most of the time I just don’t think of myself as being old. But this was different.
I don’t know why I want to mention those bad thoughts. Mostly, I guess, for myself. To remind me that they come along, and yet I am still here. Trying to eat better, trying to fit exercise into my day. (I just did 2 tabata intervals because the day was busy and hot and I didn’t get any exercise in before 7pm.) Really, for the most part, having more successful days than ‘bad’ days.