Yesterday was a fabulous day!  My weight was down, of course.  My workout with Vicky was really great.  She challenged me with some increased weights, and noticed that my squat form was much improved.  I have been working on that more than anything, probably.  She is very encouraging, but also doesn’t really allow for excuses.  If I say something is hard, or I couldn’t/didn’t do such and such this week, she always has another suggestion about how it could be done differently, or how its really not that much time.  For me, this was a really great investment.  To add to this, my food has been spot-on for several days.  VERY encouraging.

But I wanted to write about some of the dark thoughts I’ve had in just the last week.  When I came back from that trip and had eaten too much of the wrong thing, I had the ‘Awakenings’ thought again–that everything I was going to go back to the way it was before–morbidly obese and sedentary.  I was thinking, what’s the use, working out so hard.  Its embarrassing to fail week after week.  But then I thought about that movie, and how the Robin Williams doctor character kept working frantically to find a cure for the people.  So I translated that to me and Vicky working furiously to try to find a ‘cure’ for what ails me.  (BTW, if you haven’t watched this movie, you must.  Its really a great movie.)

Then, just Monday night, on my way out to the car after work, I had a thought that was more than a thought–it was like a deep feeling, if you know what I mean.  And it was, ‘who do you think you are?  you are a 54 year OLD woman.  its ridiculous for you to be trying to work out and build muscles.  you will never look like those young firm girls.  you look like a fool.’  Lots of times I refer to myself as older, and talk about being older, but when I do that, its usually just an intellectual reminder to myself, because most of the time I just don’t think of myself as being old.  But this was different.

I don’t know why I want to mention those bad thoughts.  Mostly, I guess, for myself.  To remind me that they come along, and yet I am still here.  Trying to eat better, trying to fit exercise into my day.  (I just did 2 tabata intervals because the day was busy and hot and I didn’t get any exercise in before 7pm.) Really, for the most part, having more successful days than ‘bad’ days.


7 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. It is never to late to change. I was morbidly obese for 22 years. I struggled with depression and OCD about my weight and emotional issues.

    I am fit now for the last 5 years and I love it. I am 47 and strong. I love my muscle and I love that I can continue for the rest of my life to be fit in the head and the body.

    I truly believe as we heal our inside and our mind, it shows on the outside. It begins with our continence and moves all over our body. We walk taller and look happier when we are living a healthy balanced life.

    Keep up the good work. Change your mind–change body!

  2. {{debby}} If only we could turn off those dark thoughts, or easily counter them with positive ones, how much easier this journey (oh heck, LIFE in general) would be.

    I think those same things, too, sometimes, particularly when I work out in the gym. My gym is the student rec center at our local university so I’m surrounded by nubile 20-year-olds for 90 minutes. What I’ve done is changed my way of looking at my workouts and what I want from them. I will never have the body of a 20-year-old, but I can have the strongest, most healthy 45-year-old body, which includes the inside (and I’m not talking emotionally here). Right now, at our age, it’s so important to build muscle and strong bones so we’re not falling down when we’re 80 and breaking our hips. The body I have right here, right now, is the one I’m taking into old age, and by god I’m going to do everything I can to insure I’m the healthiest old lady I can be.

    I’m copying this and making it a blog 🙂 You’ve inspired me!

    Anyway, my point is, keep believing in what you’re doing. Take that “old lady” and lock her up with your fat chick in the garage!

    I heart you a whole bunch and you inspire me, too. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend. Breathe….one…….one…..muscle……..a……time.

  3. Well you know whose voice that was don’t you? Tell him to get behind you and stay there.

    No one who works out and tries to better themselves looks like a fool. Ever! And really, Lynn is right – it is so important for EVERYONE to build muscle – it goes so much deeper than just looking great on the outside.

    I am so proud of you for keeping this up and you’ve inspired me to think about trying to find a PT for myself around here. I think I need that accountability.

    Your “awakening” has lasted long enough that you can maintain it now. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine – and you deserve to enjoy every reward your hard work has brought you. Tell that “deep feeling” to SHUT IT!! 🙂

  4. Debby, I hear you on the dark thoughts. Everyone has them, even those nubile 20 year olds!

    That is what makes thinking beings so complex. I think the key is what you focus on. Focusing on the negative will bring that out, but just acknowledging those dark thoughts and trying to change the thinking around them will help you out.

    And go ahead and build those muscles! Strong women are totally sexy, no matter what their age!

  5. When you are in your 70’s and 80’s and 90’s – you will be so glad that you started when you did – all of the work that we do NOW – translates into things like getting on and off the toilet, up and down out of chairs, up and down the stairs safely THEN.

    I think that FEAR and EGO are two parts of what you might be feeling now. At least they are for me. FEAR that I can’t or will hurt myself – so much of what I do – I am totally capable of physically doing – but I have to train my mind.

    And starting small and building – leaving the ego at the door is a very hard thing.

    glad you are doing so well with your trainer.

  6. Pingback: God is Good « debby weighs in

  7. Debby, I am just catching up on your blog. So sorry to hear that you were struggling, but glad you are on the other side of it now. God is good indeed!

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