“God is good, memsahib.” That is a line from ‘Out of Africa,’ another of my favorite movies. Really, I don’t like ALL sad movies! (Although ‘The Elephant Man’ is another favorite. So sad I can’t watch it too often…) Anyway, if you remember that line, it is uttered by a little boy at one of the seemingly lowest points of Karen Blixen’s life–her husband has cheated on her and left, her lover has died, and now she has lost her farm in Africa.
Don’t be alarmed–NOTHING LIKE THAT has happened to me. I just liked the juxtaposition of a seemingly low point in a person’s life and the thought that ‘God is good.’ And that is what I thought when I read your comments this morning to my ‘dark thoughts’ post and I burst into tears. Wailing, weeping, even. I just needed a good cry and I didn’t even know it. I am so grateful to the support you all provide in this blog world!
Those dark thoughts were encased in more ‘dad and his wife’ drama and angst, which I didn’t mention. Trying to do the best for your dad whom you love and have relied on, and having that role-reversal thing going on is STRESSFUL! Add to that the stress that evil insurance companies continually put you through, and there you have it. I needed a good cry and I didn’t even know it. That must be why I felt compelled to post that. God is good, indeed.
All this ties together a little bit. Lynn’s comment is right on. I just can’t be like my dad when I grow older. He is so brilliant and mentally strong, but his body is feeble. Much more feeble than most 82 year olds. I am single, and I want to be independent as long as possible, and that is really why I want to develop muscles and balance (Vicky identified right away that that would be important for me and adds a lot of balance exercises in for me.) And lose weight. Thinner old people have an easier time in this world, in general. Vickie the blogger added those thoughts while I was writing this! And Jill hit the nail on the head, too. I realized last night when I was trying to recall when those thoughts happened, that both times they were after work, when I am completely drained, and much more vulnerable to negative thoughts.
Just so you know, I am generally a very optimistic person. Even when I have those dark thoughts, they generally just can’t last too long. And I am grateful for that. Having them makes me more sympathetic to people who can’t get rid of them, and that is a good thing too. I agree with Lori, its best if you can focus on the positive stuff.
God is good, memsahib.
And now for some comic relief. Jill asked if there was anything I wasn’t good at. As much ‘creative’ stuff that I do, I am not good at drawing. And that is complicated by my own voice saying for 30 years, ‘I am not good at drawing.’ But rug hooking requires that I draw. And since rug hooking can sometimes be rustic, I am brave enough to try drawing. I had a little sketch drawn months ago, but of course I procrastinated until there was NO TIME left, so yesterday I spent hours working on this silly drawing of the rug I am going to start at rug camp in a couple of weeks. Now I have to draw it BIG on the rug fabric. In my next life I’ll work on my problem of procrastination!