Not Going Back

That’s what I wrote in an email to a friend.   Along with the rest of the statement:  “I wonder if I’m just jerking myself around, working on the emotional side.  Am I just using it as an excuse to eat?  Am I just tired of the whole thing?  I’m not going back, though.”

Its been an interesting couple of weeks.  Work–when I’ve been there–has been stressful.  But there’s been very little junk food in the  breakroom.  And I managed to control myself nicely at most of that food.

Saturday I went to a party at my neighbor’s house.  I NEVER go to parties.  But it was my neighbor who ‘babysits’ my animals, so I thought I could be sociable for once.  It was an engagement party for her daughter, and you were supposed to bring your favorite side dish or appetizer, along with the recipe, so they could compile a cook book for the new couple.  A cute idea really.  I kind of agonized over what to bring.  Wanted to bring one of my healthy recipes, but sometimes ‘regular’ people don’t like ‘healthy’ food, know what I mean?   I finally settled on my shrimp ceviche, which I think is delicious no matter which side of the table you’re on.

So basically, this was  like a potluck, and I was actually looking forward to trying out some of the food.  After all, people were supposed to bring ‘their favorites.’  The thought I left with was that I have become accustomed to very fresh, wholesome ingredients in food.  I just don’t find the other stuff so attractive any more.

Then  I left for a couple of days in the bay area–one day with mom and one day with dad.  Have I mentioned recently what a huge fan of divorce I am?  Never mind.

I packed a refrigerator bag  with  a few basics and a few treats.  I’m so glad I’m in the habit of doing this.  It just isn’t a big deal any more.  And even if I don’t know EXACTLY what the days/meals will hold, I am prepared to fill in the blanks.  For example, I called my mom on the way down to ask if she wanted to go out for brunch, or a late lunch, or dinner.  She wanted dinner, so I had an apple and some walnuts while I continued driving, and then when I got there I took a few bites of the red lentil/rice dish that I had with me.

So all in all, for being gone almost 48 hours, there was only one restaurant visit, and two frozen yogurt stops.  And today I did my usual after-trip routine.  Ate super fresh–dairy, fresh fruit, lots of veggies, and made two batches of yogurt –one strained for greek style, and the other one plain.

I'm 'babysitting' my neighbor's garden! SCORE!!

Tonight's dinner: sauteed fresh squash, that red lentil rice dish, and a tomato I grew myself!!

Sounds like I’m doing fine, huh?  Miz asked a bit ago if bloggers were role models? And Lori continued the conversation here. My first thought was no, I am not a role model.  I didn’t like that word.  Inspiration, encourager, motivator, teacher–those are all okay.  But tonight on my VERY SHORT walk with Noah (it was still over 100 degrees at  8pm) I thought about what those words mean.  And then I realized  that if the role is very narrowly defined as a woman who started to lose weight after she turned 50 and has managed to maintain a 100 pound loss for over four years, then I suppose I am modeling that.  Okay.  I’m a role model.

So what I want to tell you as a role model is that sometimes, after all this time, its still hard.  I still want to eat too much food.  Pubsgal and I have a running joke about being members of ‘nuts-a-holics.’   That seems to be my latest obsession.  Walnuts to be specific.  But I have also ventured into the dangerous territory of ‘trail mix.’  And not just any trail mix.  That dangerous mixture of salt, fat, and sugar.  Because there are just enough m&m’s in there to make  you want to eat one more handful.  If I can’t control myself with this stuff it will go the way of chocolate chip cookies (not allowed in the house.)

And exercise is still a struggle sometimes.  Thank goodness Noah came along.  Forced twice daily exercise for me.  Mostly now its just a time thing.  I actually exercise quite a bit on a weekly basis, but many days I have a little fight with myself over going to the gym.   I mean, if I walk Noah for an hour in the morning, and 20 minutes at night, and then I go to the gym for 30 minutes of weights and 20 minutes of swimming, plus changing clothes and the drive time, we’re talking about three and a half hours out of the day for exercising.  That’s just not realistic in my books.  I have other stuff I want to accomplish in my life.

But I’m not going back.  I have learned to love and appreciate the taste of fresh food.  I have learned that life with little sugar and wheat is a good thing for me.  I love the texture of whole grains.  I like feeling strong and fit and firm even if people can’t see it.  I walk fast and confidently.  I’m still overweight according to ‘the charts,’ and I probably always will be.

But if you need a role model for a woman who started to lose weight after she turned 50 and has managed to maintain a 100 pound loss for over four years, here I am.

As always, I have entirely too much to say.  Here’s a couple of pictures for your enjoyment.

Who knows what goes on in Sophie’s mind.

But we all know what goes on in Mr. Monk’s mind:   Life is good. Give me a bone and a soft chair and I’m content.

21 thoughts on “Not Going Back

  1. You ARE a role-model Debby and I am grateful to know and be reminded that there is hope! Today, this week, I’m having a struggle. It’s good to know there is hope for maintenance – especially after the age of 50.

    Thanks for you.

  2. Enjoyed this post very much. I still want to go back and read your blog from the beginning so I will know your whole story.

    Yes, anyone who has lost 100 pounds and maintained it for 4 years is (and should be) a role model for others.

  3. Great Post, Debby. You have learned so much in your 4 year journey, and better yet, it seems that good habits have become a part of your life. That’s what we all strive for, because without that, maintenance would be very difficult. I know, however, that it’s not easy, and any maintainer has to be vigilant about past habits returning–but you, my dear, are an inspiration to many.

    By the way, the picture of Noah and Sophie is priceless.

  4. here is my theory with controlling nuts:

    I only eat them with dairy which I (usually) only eat once per day. If I am away from home, I will eat dairy/nuts twice per day as it is so easy to pack.

    so either
    1/2 cup lf cottage cheese and 1/4 cup walnuts
    1 cup yogurt and 1/4 walnuts

    if the rest of the day is lowish carbs, and I am eating this early, I will put one serving of fruit with the nuts/dairy combination.

    I only do raw nuts, but totally understand the difficulty you are having if you are using salted and sugar stuff with it. combination of salt and sweet gets me every time too.

    You are definitely a role model.

  5. divorce bites in the butt for the kids whole lives. I understand it is often ‘better’ for the parents, but it always sucks for the kids. And did your mother ever remarry-? I am not sure I have ever heard you talk about a HIM.

    • Exactly, Vickie. I was an adult (25 years) when my parents divorced, but it has sucked for 30 years. And continues to suck. I really feel for kids that have to go through it.

      My mom remarried an abusive guy, who she tried to force me to ‘accept.’ Finally left him, and is now single. That was a HIM if there ever was one LOL.

  6. Barbara: “I often remind people that their new eating habits are a gift they are giving themselves. “If you are going to give yourself that gift,” I say, “then DO it! Don’t pull it back at the last moment just because of the Christmas cookies!”

    “I think that maintainers understand more about this gift than dieters do. This is because we have to experience a period of prolonged maintenance to “get it”; to feel the true benefits of changed eating. While staying at a lower weight is part of that benefit, it is often a smaller part than we might have expected. The gift we receive is a feeling of being in healthy harmony.

    “This harmony allows us to enjoy powers of energy, a new smoothness of mood, a feeling of strength, and a body that stays well when other bodies fail. Escaping from the daily fear of illness – that’s probably the ultimate maintenance gift.”


  7. Quote: “How about looking at maintenance with a completely bold vision? Maintenance is nothing short of a complete remodeling and re-envisioning of you and your relationship to the world. To do this, you must both embrace the world in a new way and utterly reject other parts of that world. You must embrace the natural world including sleep cycles, physical activity, interaction with the sun and the elements and the foods that are original to man. You must reject modern eating patterns, the intrusion of man-made stressors like the constant presence of noise, media and artificial environments. You must become a rebel. An original person in a world that largely moves in an unthinking mass. ”

    the link to that quote (from my side bar) is no longer there, so it must be a long gone blogger, but it is such a great line.

    • Vickie, these quotes are fantastic, and have me brewing up another post. This second one sounds very much like Barbara either on her website or in the book.

  8. Noah is a beautiful, beautiful boy. Heart him and Sophie and Mr. Monk!!

    Like I said last night – I think you’re in the winter of growth. Just marinate in this for awhile and don’t push it. You sound tired and defeated a little bit – maybe you need a little pampering? Can you schedule a massage or a manicure somewhere? Even just a nice bubbly soak in a tub might help.

    You are for sure a role model – for me if no one else!!

    • Noah is being an amazingly good boy these days. Just the dog I wanted. He loves laying around whenever and wherever I am working. Finally…

  9. “So what I want to tell you as a role model is that sometimes, after all this time, its still hard.”

    I appreciate your honesty! People some times get the wrong idea. It might be hard at times, but have shown it is doable.


  10. Great post. How fortunate that you get to take advantage of your neighbor’s garden! Coming off a road trip with the fam I’m fresh produce deprived right now. Must fix that.

  11. I can’t even think about having trail mix NEAR me…that mixture is just too tempting. That said, I think you did wonderfully considering the stressful circumstances of your split visit. And I love how you came home and immediately gravitated toward fresh, whole, healthy foods! That’s where your true habits show, and yes, where you role model so well. It’s getting back on the train after a couple of stops that really show how much you have this down. And of course I will take any role model who incorporates frozen yogurt into her life like you do! 🙂

  12. I don’t think that you need to put yourself into a narrowly-defined role model status. There is a lot more to you than that. I always feel a sense of calm when I come to your blog – even when you are frustrated with Noah! It seems you have some kind of inner peace, or at least it comes through as such on your blog.

    That picture of Mr. Monk? I just died. Died! Co cute.

  13. Pingback: Hurts So Good « debby weighs in

  14. Oh, Debby. I feel your pain on the divorced parent thing. Mine divorced when I was pretty young, and yep, it *was* tough. My dad’s second wife? Ugh, don’t get me started! I feel lucky to have step-parents that I love & get along with now, though. I can’t imagine trying to combine a visit with both sets in one weekend on a regular basis, though. Mine are in So Cal and Arizona, so with in-laws in Michigan, regular visits with family gets kinda pricey.

    So I’m glad you’re coming up with a self-care plan during these trips. Driving long distances gets me creaky, too. I was going to say the old saw about putting on your own oxygen mask first, but you beat me to the punch there. No wonder you’re one of my role models! (Though of course, I think we all know that Mr. Monk is THE ultimate role model: oh, to be content with just a soft chair and a bone!)

  15. Pingback: Enough. « debby weighs in

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