That’s what I wrote in an email to a friend. Along with the rest of the statement: “I wonder if I’m just jerking myself around, working on the emotional side. Am I just using it as an excuse to eat? Am I just tired of the whole thing? I’m not going back, though.”
Its been an interesting couple of weeks. Work–when I’ve been there–has been stressful. But there’s been very little junk food in the breakroom. And I managed to control myself nicely at most of that food.
Saturday I went to a party at my neighbor’s house. I NEVER go to parties. But it was my neighbor who ‘babysits’ my animals, so I thought I could be sociable for once. It was an engagement party for her daughter, and you were supposed to bring your favorite side dish or appetizer, along with the recipe, so they could compile a cook book for the new couple. A cute idea really. I kind of agonized over what to bring. Wanted to bring one of my healthy recipes, but sometimes ‘regular’ people don’t like ‘healthy’ food, know what I mean? I finally settled on my shrimp ceviche, which I think is delicious no matter which side of the table you’re on.
So basically, this was like a potluck, and I was actually looking forward to trying out some of the food. After all, people were supposed to bring ‘their favorites.’ The thought I left with was that I have become accustomed to very fresh, wholesome ingredients in food. I just don’t find the other stuff so attractive any more.
Then I left for a couple of days in the bay area–one day with mom and one day with dad. Have I mentioned recently what a huge fan of divorce I am? Never mind.
I packed a refrigerator bag with a few basics and a few treats. I’m so glad I’m in the habit of doing this. It just isn’t a big deal any more. And even if I don’t know EXACTLY what the days/meals will hold, I am prepared to fill in the blanks. For example, I called my mom on the way down to ask if she wanted to go out for brunch, or a late lunch, or dinner. She wanted dinner, so I had an apple and some walnuts while I continued driving, and then when I got there I took a few bites of the red lentil/rice dish that I had with me.
So all in all, for being gone almost 48 hours, there was only one restaurant visit, and two frozen yogurt stops. And today I did my usual after-trip routine. Ate super fresh–dairy, fresh fruit, lots of veggies, and made two batches of yogurt –one strained for greek style, and the other one plain.
Sounds like I’m doing fine, huh? Miz asked a bit ago if bloggers were role models? And Lori continued the conversation here. My first thought was no, I am not a role model. I didn’t like that word. Inspiration, encourager, motivator, teacher–those are all okay. But tonight on my VERY SHORT walk with Noah (it was still over 100 degrees at 8pm) I thought about what those words mean. And then I realized that if the role is very narrowly defined as a woman who started to lose weight after she turned 50 and has managed to maintain a 100 pound loss for over four years, then I suppose I am modeling that. Okay. I’m a role model.
So what I want to tell you as a role model is that sometimes, after all this time, its still hard. I still want to eat too much food. Pubsgal and I have a running joke about being members of ‘nuts-a-holics.’ That seems to be my latest obsession. Walnuts to be specific. But I have also ventured into the dangerous territory of ‘trail mix.’ And not just any trail mix. That dangerous mixture of salt, fat, and sugar. Because there are just enough m&m’s in there to make you want to eat one more handful. If I can’t control myself with this stuff it will go the way of chocolate chip cookies (not allowed in the house.)
And exercise is still a struggle sometimes. Thank goodness Noah came along. Forced twice daily exercise for me. Mostly now its just a time thing. I actually exercise quite a bit on a weekly basis, but many days I have a little fight with myself over going to the gym. I mean, if I walk Noah for an hour in the morning, and 20 minutes at night, and then I go to the gym for 30 minutes of weights and 20 minutes of swimming, plus changing clothes and the drive time, we’re talking about three and a half hours out of the day for exercising. That’s just not realistic in my books. I have other stuff I want to accomplish in my life.
But I’m not going back. I have learned to love and appreciate the taste of fresh food. I have learned that life with little sugar and wheat is a good thing for me. I love the texture of whole grains. I like feeling strong and fit and firm even if people can’t see it. I walk fast and confidently. I’m still overweight according to ‘the charts,’ and I probably always will be.
But if you need a role model for a woman who started to lose weight after she turned 50 and has managed to maintain a 100 pound loss for over four years, here I am.
As always, I have entirely too much to say. Here’s a couple of pictures for your enjoyment.