There is a lot more swirling around in my head, if you can believe it. I’m not sure I can explain it, but I want to try, if only to clarify my thoughts for myself! First of all, I woke up this morning thinking about how I am NEVER tempted to eat at fast food places. The thought never goes through my mind. And for that I am extremely grateful–quite a change for someone who routinely ate fast food 3-5 times a week! My next thought was that on this trip, eating out at restaurants had finally become much less of an issue for me. Those of you who read my blog know all the angst this has caused me. I have gone all the way from refusing to go to restaurants, to going and giving in, getting ‘whatever I wanted,’ and being frustrated afterwards. Or sometimes NOT getting what I really wanted and feeling deprived afterwards. Finally, I think, I have made peace with eating out. I just don’t want to do it all the time. I don’t feel deprived that I consider all the restaurant choices (like when I was in the Bay Area at the quilt show) and choose to go back to my room and eat some green beans and fruit and yogurt that I had brought with me. And when I do go to a restaurant, I enjoy it. I have something I really want, but eat half of it (thanks to my friend who LIKES sharing a meal with me!) or I make better choices, and I don’t feel like I am missing out. This change has been a long time coming, and it is a VERY good, peaceful feeling. So if you are a regular reader, (or even if you just read yesterday’s entry) you might know that DESSERTS seem to be the last bastion for me! But now I am hopeful that that will change also. Not that I won’t ever have a dessert again. Just that I will ‘make peace’ with them.
BODY IMAGE. And the scale. Somehow my thoughts on these two things are tied together now. Somehow, even though I comment frequently about aging, there is a part of me that still unrealistically clung to that ‘ideal’ body image. That thought that if I lost enough weight, and I worked out hard enough, I would look ‘perfect’ in the mirror. THAT is NEVER going to happen. Even if I had never been morbidly obese, there is still the genetic factor (my mom’s heavy thighs and hips) and there is still the age factor, which by the way, seems to change on almost a weekly basis. I am astounded at the changes in my body between the ages of 50 and 55.
How I FEEL, how my body moves and works and is strong is becoming my reality. I don’t need a certain image in the mirror to be satisfied with myself. This is a big change for me, and I’m not sure I am describing it well. I suspect it will be a work in progress. And along with that, surprisingly, goes my dependence on the scale. I just don’t want to know what I weigh every day. I am more confident with my food choices. (When I got home from this trip, all I wanted was vegetables!) And when I make a food plan for the day, it almost always adds up to the right amount of calories, and I know by looking at it that I won’t be hungry or feel deprived.
In one way, it seems like I am giving up, but really, it is acceptance. Acceptance of reality. And with that comes peace.