Still

Just so ya know…

• I still wanted to buy a package of M&M’s when I was in the store today.  “Just in case…”  I still like M&M’s with popcorn.  And I can easily split the package into two servings (yes, by counting out the pieces.)
• I still struggled at dinner with the ‘tiny’ piece of salmon I had planned to eat.  “Just thaw out both pieces.  Its not that much.”  (5 ounces instead of the 2 ounces I had planned.)
• I still pick up ‘junk food’ when its sitting around and its free.  Like yesterday at sewing day.  A handful of trail mix, and a brownie.
• I still am intimidated at the gym.  If guys are in the free weights room, I might skip what I want to do there.  If somebody comes in the studio to work out, I will usually stop what I am doing and act like I was done and go on to something else.  If somebody is in the spa, I will skip it, even though I was really looking forward to it after my swim.  And, if you can believe it, I’ve belonged to this gym for 6 months and have never set foot on a treadmill.  Granted, I prefer to walk outside.  But its been raining…
• I still have a hard time stopping eating.  I chew Eclipse gum to stop, or as a substitute for food, or instead of dessert, or as a psychological prop.  I don’t even know why sometimes.  I do know I should take out stock in Eclipse gum…
• I still struggle with the vision part–wanting it to be physical ‘perfection’ vs. physical health.  Man, I’d love to look like I feel (firm and slender) on my best days.
• I still eat when I am not hungry.  Because I have planned to eat that food and/or because there are calories left at the end of the day.
• I still use Splenda.
• I still drink diet coke.
• I still use half and half in my coffee.

Just so ya know.

A lot of my posts are about good choices I make.  Good foods I eat.  Good exercise I have done.  I am not trying to be deceptive.  I mostly want to encourage people that change is possible.  But sometimes I am encouraged when someone admits a fault or a struggle.  I often learn best from my mistakes.  So I thought it might be helpful to list the things that I still struggle with.  After five years, and countless changes, some of the same old things are still a problem.

Here’s how I dealt with each of those problem areas.

• I passed on the M&M’s.  I thought about Vickie’s wise advice–if its in the house, it will get eaten.  And I made myself think about all the healthy dessert type things I had in my house right now.  And I made myself admit that if I had the M&M’s, I would eat them with the high calorie microwave popcorn.
• I only thawed out the two ounce piece of salmon.  And yes, I know it was two ounces because I made myself weigh it.  But dinner was absolutely delicious.  The salmon was cooked to perfection, and each bite was a treat.  And it was enough.  (If you’re interested, I had it with roasted cauliflower (tossed with salt, pepper, garlic, and olive oil) and a wonderful Comice pear.
• I tried to make myself stop eating the brownie and throw it out the window.  But I couldn’t make myself stop, even though it wasn’t that good of a brownie.  Only redeeming value was that it was small.
• I have a plan to ask the nice girl who works at the gym on Sundays if she will give me a little intro to the treadmills.  Then maybe I will start to use them instead of just looking wistfully in their direction.  If there is only one guy in the free weights room, I will go in there and do what I want to do.
• I work really hard some days at not eating until I am hungry.
• Some days I wear form fitting clothes to the gym and I make myself look in the mirror to watch my form.  I work at ‘being content in whatever state I am in.’  I pay attention to how strong and sure footed I am.
• I tried to let myself run out of Splenda.  But I just can’t give it up yet.  I have bought agave syrup, and I am slowly learning how to add a little bit of it into certain recipes.  I also eat my yogurt without adding splenda sometimes.  Work on just trying to enjoy the natural flavor of things.
• Diet coke is not leaving any time soon.  But I only have one a day usually.  And I usually don’t have one at all on the days I work.
• I try periodically to give up half and half in my coffee.  I usually end up adding the same amount of calories of whatever I am substituting so that it will taste more like half and half.  Coffee is just not worthy without half and half.  So for now, it stays.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go and have a cup of tea and a pumpkin chocolate chip bar.  Not because I am hungry.  But because I have planned for it and I have enough calories left and because I have been a good girl today.